Rota: My TV Boyfriend

Today in That Guy

That guy is rocking Windows 95, sucka!
That guy has a long buddy list, if you know what I mean.
That guy uses AOL.
Hey, can I borrow a condom?
That guy predicts he will age well. He's got the bone structure, and he eats right.
That guy would have called, but he's running out of cell phone minutes.
That guy wonders if you could pick up the check?
That guy says he's still friends with his ex-girlfriends, but he means he still sleeps with them.
That guy tips based on cup size.
That guy writes on his apartment walls with black Sharpie - shards of poetry, quotes, lyrics. It makes him look and feel artsy. But he's only got like half a wall. He's definitely going to put some more up this weekend, for sure.
Secretly, that guy's heart was broken in 1996. He promised himself he wouldn't go through that again. He's built a wall around his heart to keep it safe. Also, she was a bitch anyway, so whatever.
"Are you going to eat that?"
Now it burns when you pee, too.
It burns when that guy pees.
That guy loves Aerosmith.
"Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!"
That guy wants you to play Freebird.
That guy thinks your girlfriend is hot, man.
That guy calls them "hoagies."
That guy will not actually make you breakfast. Sorry.
That guy wonders if you've seen that show Lost. He hears it's pretty good.
Secretly, drunk girls are attracted to that guy.
That guy's been thinking about taking a road trip.
I hate that guy's stupid hat.
That guy is thinking about getting a ferret, but he's not sure his building allows it.
That guy stole some post-its, but he doesn't think anyone will notice.
That guy refers to his girlfriend as his "Alpha-Bitch."
That guy's coat is covered in cat hair. That guy does not have a cat. Discuss.
That guy is reading a "men's adventure novel."
That guy wants to know if I have any unused Vicodin prescriptions he can have.
That guy smokes two packs a day, but he's watching his sugar intake. He advises that I do the same.
That guy used to subscribe to Martha Stewart Living. "There are some good tips in there."

Hear Ta Listen

We Both Go Down Together
The Decemberists: Picaresque
I love a good story. And spies. This song has both.
No Children
The Mountain Goats: Tallahasee
Catchy! And excellently, darkly funny.
Destroyer
The Stills: Without Feathers
Hee! This song is all catcy and happy, then you hear the phrase "I will destroy you."
I Summon You
Spoon: Gimme Fiction
Solid album - while waiting until this was cheap enough to buy, I investigated several older Spoon albums, and found that I love them.
The Bends
Radiohead: The Bends
Using my mad Ticketmaster skillz, I helped HF get tickets to this so very sold-out show next month. I forgot how great this album is.
Handle Me With Care
Jenny Lewis: Rabbit Fur Coat
Excellent cover.
The Way We Get By
Spoon: Kill the Moonlight

A couple of years ago my TV boyfriend was Will Tippen from Alias. We had a good run, but then he entered the witness protection program and I don't see him that often. I think it's high time for a new TV boyfriend. Here are the candidates:

1. Gregory House (House, M.D.)
Pros: Pretty! Funny! Smart!
Cons: Drug addict. Also, I worry that his hard outer shell conceals a soft center which in turn conceals a cold, dead heart.

2. Jack Bristow (Alias)
Pros: Can kill a man with his steely glare. Rather sweet. Suspect he would be hilarious at Karaoke.
Cons: Emotionally distant.

3. Jack Bauer (24)
Pros: The Voice. Impervious to bullets, fire, and death. Would call me "sweetheart."
Cons: Calls everyone "sweetheart." Seems to have a lot of bad days. Never be sure whether he's really dead.

4. John Dorian (J.D.) (Scrubs)
Pros: Pretty! Funny! Smart-ish! Heterosexual life partner is also a delight.
Cons: Maybe just slightly insecure. Rich, disturbing fantasy life.

5. Barney Something (How I Met Your Mother)
Pros: Excellent suits. Enjoys a nice high five.
Cons: Terrible boyfriend material. Fondness for inspirational posters.

6. Balthazar Getty's Eyebrow Scar (Alias)
Pros: Hot.
Cons: Arguably limited relationship.

7. John Sheppard (Stargate: Atlantis)
Pros: Pretty! Funny! Okay, not that bright. Very nice sunglasses. Does lots of sexy alien-killing.
Cons: Long distance relationships are difficult. Slutty.

8. Logan Echolls (Veronica Mars)
Pros: Awesome in every conceivable way.
Cons: Daddy issues. Kind of young. Also, I wouldn't want to imaginarily intrude on a potential Veronica-Logan reunion.

It's like Sophie's Choice! I'm going to have to give this some thought and talk to Ta. A TV boyfriend should not be chosen lightly.

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