More Rota

Today in That Guy

  • That guy is rocking Windows 95, sucka!
  • That guy has a long buddy list, if you know what I mean.
  • That guy uses AOL.
  • Hey, can I borrow a condom?
  • That guy predicts he will age well. He's got the bone structure, and he eats right.
  • That guy would have called, but he's running out of cell phone minutes.
  • That guy wonders if you could pick up the check?
  • That guy says he's still friends with his ex-girlfriends, but he means he still sleeps with them.
  • That guy tips based on cup size.
  • That guy writes on his apartment walls with black Sharpie - shards of poetry, quotes, lyrics. It makes him look and feel artsy. But he's only got like half a wall. He's definitely going to put some more up this weekend, for sure.
  • Secretly, that guy's heart was broken in 1996. He promised himself he wouldn't go through that again. He's built a wall around his heart to keep it safe. Also, she was a bitch anyway, so whatever.
  • "Are you going to eat that?"
  • Now it burns when you pee, too.
  • It burns when that guy pees.
  • That guy loves Aerosmith.
  • "Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!"
  • That guy wants you to play Freebird.
  • That guy thinks your girlfriend is hot, man.
  • That guy calls them "hoagies."
  • That guy will not actually make you breakfast. Sorry.
  • That guy wonders if you've seen that show Lost. He hears it's pretty good.
  • Secretly, drunk girls are attracted to that guy.
  • That guy's been thinking about taking a road trip.
  • I hate that guy's stupid hat.
  • That guy is thinking about getting a ferret, but he's not sure his building allows it.
  • That guy stole some post-its, but he doesn't think anyone will notice.
  • That guy refers to his girlfriend as his "Alpha-Bitch."
  • That guy's coat is covered in cat hair. That guy does not have a cat. Discuss.
  • That guy is reading a "men's adventure novel."
  • That guy wants to know if I have any unused Vicodin prescriptions he can have.
  • That guy smokes two packs a day, but he's watching his sugar intake. He advises that I do the same.
  • That guy used to subscribe to Martha Stewart Living. "There are some good tips in there."

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Cliches I Work With

  • Lady with the really long ponytail.
  • Lady who asks me if I'm "good at computers."
  • Lady who seems compelled to mention her weight several times a day, apparently loving an awkward silence.
  • Lady who actually says, "Tut-tut."
  • Guy who thinks people are following him in the hallways.
  • Lady who is coming down with something
    • Lady who wonders if you are coming down with something
    • Lady whose kid is coming down with something
    • Lady who hears something is going around
    • Lady who didn't feel well yesterday
    • Lady who hasn't felt well since she got back from vacation
    • Lady who heard that Other Lady is out sick, and wonders what she has - is it the thing that's been going around?
    • Etc.
  • Lady whose pants are too short.
  • Lady who lapses into baby talk. (I am not a baby.)
  • Lady who steals my sticky-tabs.
  • Lady who declines my offer of Fritos, then eats half the bag.
  • Lady who shows me her vacation pictures within one hour of meeting me.
  • Middle-aged lady with barrettes.
  • Guy who chats in the elevators.

I have worked with all these cliches before, especially long ponytail lady, who apparently moves from job to job with me, radically changing her appearance and identity, but I always spot her because she won't cut off her goddamn long ponytail. It's SO LONG! There are scissors on your desk! Cut it! I'll cut it for you, no problem.

Tomorrow: Ro reads The Atlantic.

May 09, 2006 in Judging, Ro |

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