Rota: I Suck!

Today in That Guy

That guy is rocking Windows 95, sucka!
That guy has a long buddy list, if you know what I mean.
That guy uses AOL.
Hey, can I borrow a condom?
That guy predicts he will age well. He's got the bone structure, and he eats right.
That guy would have called, but he's running out of cell phone minutes.
That guy wonders if you could pick up the check?
That guy says he's still friends with his ex-girlfriends, but he means he still sleeps with them.
That guy tips based on cup size.
That guy writes on his apartment walls with black Sharpie - shards of poetry, quotes, lyrics. It makes him look and feel artsy. But he's only got like half a wall. He's definitely going to put some more up this weekend, for sure.
Secretly, that guy's heart was broken in 1996. He promised himself he wouldn't go through that again. He's built a wall around his heart to keep it safe. Also, she was a bitch anyway, so whatever.
"Are you going to eat that?"
Now it burns when you pee, too.
It burns when that guy pees.
That guy loves Aerosmith.
"Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!"
That guy wants you to play Freebird.
That guy thinks your girlfriend is hot, man.
That guy calls them "hoagies."
That guy will not actually make you breakfast. Sorry.
That guy wonders if you've seen that show Lost. He hears it's pretty good.
Secretly, drunk girls are attracted to that guy.
That guy's been thinking about taking a road trip.
I hate that guy's stupid hat.
That guy is thinking about getting a ferret, but he's not sure his building allows it.
That guy stole some post-its, but he doesn't think anyone will notice.
That guy refers to his girlfriend as his "Alpha-Bitch."
That guy's coat is covered in cat hair. That guy does not have a cat. Discuss.
That guy is reading a "men's adventure novel."
That guy wants to know if I have any unused Vicodin prescriptions he can have.
That guy smokes two packs a day, but he's watching his sugar intake. He advises that I do the same.
That guy used to subscribe to Martha Stewart Living. "There are some good tips in there."

Hear Ta Listen

We Both Go Down Together
The Decemberists: Picaresque
I love a good story. And spies. This song has both.
No Children
The Mountain Goats: Tallahasee
Catchy! And excellently, darkly funny.
Destroyer
The Stills: Without Feathers
Hee! This song is all catcy and happy, then you hear the phrase "I will destroy you."
I Summon You
Spoon: Gimme Fiction
Solid album - while waiting until this was cheap enough to buy, I investigated several older Spoon albums, and found that I love them.
The Bends
Radiohead: The Bends
Using my mad Ticketmaster skillz, I helped HF get tickets to this so very sold-out show next month. I forgot how great this album is.
Handle Me With Care
Jenny Lewis: Rabbit Fur Coat
Excellent cover.
The Way We Get By
Spoon: Kill the Moonlight

Unpacking today, I found an old journal. It's dated "Late '94" meaning I was 13-14 years old. In it I found a list entitled: Things to Do IN THE SUMMER!

Collages galore
Go for a walk to 7-11 for an Evian
Call [cousin]
Call [friends]
Call [favorite aunt]
Get a tan
Read a worthless novel
Essay on the decline of America
Read, read read
Decline something
Write to [friends]
Paint toenails red
Dance
Logic problems
Talk to [little brother]
Go on swings
Develop a crush
Find new methods of self-expression
Redecorate
Play the piano (need practice)
Factor something
Laugh for no good reason

Comments:
I'm kind of speechless. Reading this, I can't imagine how I wasn't the victim of a vicious hate crime.

Decline of America - I sincerely hope that essay was for school. Otherwise, why was I thinking about the decline of America? What did I have to say on the topic? "Not enough gummi products?"

Evian? EVIAN?

Worthless novel - I must have developed some rarified literary tastes when I was TWELVE. How refreshing that I was willing to lower myself in deference to the heat of summer.

New methods of self-expression - There is nothing I can add to that. It's pure genius. I will never say something that funny again so long as I live. Imagine this:

Mom: Hey, hon, what are you going to do today while I'm at work?
Me: Well, I thought I'd paint my toenails then really buckle down and find some new methods of self-expression.
Mom: Okay, don't forget the dishwasher is full.
Me: Kay!

Laugh for no good reason - Hee! This is awesome. Just image me, only tiny, and my glasses are huge, and I'm taking my summer logic problems VERY SERIOUSLY. Then I look up, and think, 'Wait. It's summer. I can let loose a little. Hah. H-hah? Ha! Ha! Ha ha ha! Okay, that's done. Now, onto Latin.'

This list is embarrassing, yes. But it's also encouraging. For one thing, I no longer have to wonder why I didn't have any friends as a kid. Mystery solved! Also, it's comforting that I've already BEEN a huge pretentious douchebag! I already hit rock bottom, when I planned a summer activity involving factoring! I'm so much more fun than I was when I was 13 - who else can really say that? I'm getting younger! Granted, I know depths of self-loathing I didn't suspect possible, but that's okay.
I'm going to go punch myself in the face now. Bye!

Comments

Zeke makes just such a list every morning, and it's even MORE pretentious.

Posted by: Anthea | October 11, 2006 at 06:55 PM

Heh -
1. Several high jump repetitions - 6 sets of 5.

2. Try to tell Human to put an ice cube in my water.

3. Consider the aesthetic value of tongue grooming versus hideous water baths.

4. Essay on Paws versus Hands.

5. Take a nap, even if I'm not tired.

6. Find new methods of self-expression.

Posted by: Ro | October 12, 2006 at 10:24 AM

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