Rota

Dude, You're Encroaching on My Decrees

The post title has nothing to do with the content that follows. And I'm not sorry.

Today's topic: Watching Television is Hard

I have a problem with television - not the problem where I watch too much, because that's not really a problem and also I can quit anytime. I am having trouble actually watching TV. I have lots of great shows all neatly lined up in my DVR, and I cannot watch any of them. For example, I have five episodes of Battlestar Galactica in there. That's a great show, and I totally love it! Yet I haven't watched it, or the season finale of Avatar, or those four episodes of The O.C. What's up?

I'll tell you what's up! TV is hard - I get all invested, and worried, and interested, and intrigued. I don't just watch TV, I watch TV. I watch TV hard. I think about it, and what each character has going on, and where I think things are headed, and what parts were bad writing, and whether X's characterization has been consistent, and on and on. And people? I'm so tired.

So instead of watching fabulous television I'm sure to enjoy, I watch easy stuff, like General Hospital, or an episode of Futurama I've seen ten times (note: that is not an exaggeration). But the DVR is filling up and I need to get over my block. Any ideas?

Passions!

Since I'm unemployed, and have a DVR, I've decided to start watching soap operas again. My history with soaps is as follows:

The Golden Age: One summer before I could work but after I could be left home alone, I watched three soaps a day. The ABC ones - All My Children, One Life to Live, and General Hospital. I caught the tail end of the Sarah Michelle Gellar years on AMC, in fact.

The Revival: The summer before law school I had a few weeks with nothing to do, so I caught back up with General Hospital. Then that first summer during law school I was again bored, and watched it A LOT. But once classes started up again I had to tape it every day, and I quit after about a week.

Today: Now, three years later, I realized that I can watch any soap I want, through the magic of the DVR. Welcome back, old friends!

My game plan is as follows: Test drive each soap opera for two weeks. It takes that long to figure out what's going on, and decide whether it's awesome or not. The exception is General Hospital, which I regret ever abandoning, and which I hope to watch every day until I die. Seriously, that show is awesome. It has the mob. Enough said.

That brings us to Passions, my first Two Week Soap. I had really high expectations. There was a doll that came to life, right? And maybe ghosts and stuff? And it was crazy and over the top? Well, I was very disappointed. VERY.

There were only THREE plotlines! And each one was incredibly boring!

Plot #1: Stuck in a Mineshaft. Some chick was pushed down a mineshaft, hung out for a week, then was rescued in the second week. It was vaguely interesting because the Town's Only Cop went into a trance after having a sleeping pill dropped into his coffee and could see her ghostly image pleading for help. Oh, and they had to get naked and cuddle for warmth. Hilariously, it's his FOURTH time doing that! Still, the mineshaft plot was slow and boring.

Plot #2: Ratted Out to the Tabloids. I guess this lady told the tabloids that her husband was really a member of the evil rich family (the Cranes). She lied about it, claiming it was actually his ex-girlfriend. The ex decided she wanted him back, so tried to prove it was the wife. This was so boring I almost died. It was endless back and forth about believing people. The three characters had the same conversation a million times.

Plot #3: Pretending You're Dying So Your Fiancee Won't Leave You. Kay decides she is still in love with Miguel, so she has to cancel her wedding to Fox Crane. (The names are pretty great - the lady in the mineshaft was called Fancy.) Fox gets wind of this (via eavesdropping, a soap opera standby) and pretends to receive a call from his doctor regarding his fictional fatal illness. Kay is wracked by guilt and still hasn't told Fox, choosing to sleep with him instead! That's pretty great, especially since Fox also tracked down Miguel's vanished one true love, and smuggled her back into town. He is really really serious about marrying Kay. I don't know why, since she doesn't love him and also isn't that great a person. But that whole plot was at least interesting.

Other:

• Passions loves the voice-over, especially to relay obvious information.
• The names are awesome. For example, the ex-girlfriend from Plot #2 named her son after another main character, so she always has to call him Little Ethan.
• Random shirtlessness is always appreciated, and there was at least one incident per episode. One guy had a whole conversation with his wife, ex-girlfriend, mother-in-law, and a male stranger without putting on his shirt. The shirt was right there, on the table next to him.
• The acting is almost all terrible, particularly by the nice guy men. I think Miguel is actually a puppet.
• A witch did show up on the second Friday, with the ability to make everyone in the room fall asleep by clapping. I guess that's crazy, but even she was a little boring. And, if your universe includes witches and magical powers, why does it only come up once every two weeks? Talk about a wasted opportunity.
• Oh my God, Paloma. Paloma is the Town's Only Cop's sister. She wears a barrette. She is nosy and dumb. I hate her.

Conclusion: Goodbye, Passions! You didn't deliver the crazy shenanigans I reasonably expected, and also you were dull and repetitive. I wish I'd watched in your heydey, when that living doll fell down a well or whatever.

Up next? All My Children! I chose this one because the commercials show a General Hospital alum with an eyepatch and amnesia. Sold!

Important Questions

Yeah, I skipped my Sunday entry. WHAT OF IT? I was still on vacation time, plus, recent personal events have made me not feel like being very interesting (which is true, but was also, oddly, articulated in just that way on Studio 60 last night). This entry may not be all that interesting either, but I spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about this last night.

Today, I want to talk to you about America's most unlikely funny man: Brian Williams. Ok, maybe "most unlikely" is an exaggeration, as there are certainly many, many unfunny people in America. It is still surprising that he has turned up on SNL and on the recent autism telethon, the hilariously-named "Night of Too Many Stars: An Overbooked Benefit for Autism Education." Apart from the fact that his dry, serious-news-anchor delivery turned out to be excellent when put to telling jokes, his willingness to make fun of his own job is very charming.

Are all news anchors secretly funny? If so, where does that come from? You would think most news anchors would take themselves too seriously, given their weird, self-important job.

I assume Brian became besties with Jon Stewart after appearing on his show when he took over for Brokaw, but that doesn't really explain the SNL appearance. And how do the NBC Nightly News producers feel about his comedic stylings? I suppose fine, since SNL is on the same network.

Semi-relatedly, in that references to it constantly appear in my life: Why is the very idea or mention of Ladysmith Black Mambazo (including in the NOTMS:AOBFA) is so freaking funny. I mean, now it's just funny to me because they keep popping up. It's odd for a specific group to become an actual comedic device though.

Dear American Eagle

WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

Last night, Ro and I were sitting down to watch the TV offerings of the day I like to call Awesome Tuesday. On Awesome Tuesday, the CW gives us Gilmore Girls, followed by the unspeakably incredible Veronica Mars. (Seriously: It's not like I forget how great a show it is, but every time it comes back from an absence I actually feel how great, funny, smart, sweet, scary, and perfect it is. It's as though it impossible to really hold in one's mind how good a show it is, because part of the goodness is actually a visceral reaction of joy that I have while watching it, and you can't really recreate that feeling in your mind when the show is off the air for a while. Yeah, that's right, all that over a TV show.)

Obviously, I feel really strongly about these shows, VM in particular. Because they are, at times (GG in particular), girly shows, dramas involving discussions of the dreaded "feelings," shoes, hair, etc. Everyone is pretty and shiny and on GG there are minimal car crashes and explosions (though in the season premiere, that was not true). VM actually has a fair bit of action and suspense, though if you don't watch it 1) start, 2) you won't believe me until you do. But Ro's enjoyment of these fine programs is a testament to the fact that they are so much more than girl-dramas, and in fact, they aren't even really girl-dramas at all.

Which is why it was so appalling to see the the CW had placed, at random commercial breaks, some sort of short . . . thing featuring a bunch of girls sitting around a sectional sofa in their casual best, talking about the shows. I died inside. It is already nigh impossible to convince people to watch these shows if they do not already. THIS WILL NOT HELP. Ro termed it insipid, and she is not wrong. It was. A little research this morning on on the Interwebs (yes, I am leaving on vacation in like 6 hours, shut up) revealed that this is some sort of devil-inspired collaboration between the CW and American Eagle, purveyor of surprisingly good jeans. (Really, try them out, they are great, and cheap!) It is called "Aerie Tuesdays," and apparently, it is meant to make me want to buy clothes from AE's new line of clothes.

Problems ABOUND, people. The first of many is that while I am sure that these shows do draw a fairly large audience from the girl-teen population, they also draw a good number of smarty-pants 20- and 30-somethings. Moreover, having these terrible Aerie Girls moments? Not going to expand and grow that audience, CW! The shows don't have stellar ratings, and any guy just tuning in at the behest of his girlfriend or wife or friend is going to take one look at these girls chatting and giggling and RUN AWAY. As he should.

I can't tell from the "Meet the Aerie Girls" section of the above site how old these girls are, though in fairness there appears to be a good spread of ages. And I actually can't tell you what they talked about in the spots, so deafened by my own rage was I. Maybe it was about the social implications of having a sexual code on college campuses, as provoked by an Take Back the Night rally on VM. I doubt it though.

In sum:

1) Watch Veronica Mars (you should watch GG, but it is in less danger of cancellation)

2) CW: please kill off the Aerie Girls in a terrible, soft clothing-related accident.

Kids These Days!

Specifically, their Saturday morning cartoons.

Part 1 of 3: Yu-Gi-Oh!

 

Let me confess that I think this show is awesome. Here are the elements: role playing card games, Mexican telenovela, spirit possession, Egyptian history, metaphysics. Can't go wrong with that winning and completely logical combination! Those elements naturally gel! Anyway, the show is awesome, if you can watch for like 20 seconds and then quickly look away. On another recent Saturday morning I was treated to a rerun of the fan favorite episode. Well, I thought it was an episode, but it was actually a five-parter. Yes, I watched all five parts. Here are the awesome things that happened:

1. The main character is battling the spirit that has possessed him for the previous several seasons. Awesome!
2. If the main character wins, the spirit will be released, which is great, but they will be parted, which makes them both sad. Awesome!
3. The whole cast is watching from the sidelines. Not only is that excellent writing - subplots? why bother! - but it's visually hilarious because they all look ridiculous. There's
   1. Yugi's brown-haired friend, whose name I cannot remember, or maybe it has never been said, which would be awesome.
   2. Yugi's blond-haired American stereotype friend, Joey.
   3. Yugi's friend / girlfriend of #1, Mai.
   4. Joey's sister, formerly blind, until she was cured either by mystical forces or through an operation paid for with prize money, I don't clearly recall which. Either way, Awesome!
   5. Yugi's grandfather, no longer trapped in another dimension / in a playing card.
   6. Yugi's arch enemy / famous captain of industry.
   7. #5's little brother.
   8. Woman dressed in ancient Egyptian garb, name and history unknown.
   9. Man dressed in ancient Egyptian garb, name and history unknown.
4. There are many cliff-hangers, of the "Only one card can save him now!" variety, and what do you know? He always has that card!
5. At the end, (spoiler alert!) Yugi defeats the spirit/Pharoah. Then, for some reason, he uses his necklace to open a literal door, which is, for some reason, the gateway to the resting place for Pharoah spirits. For some reason, this causes the whole place to collapse. Luckily, our heroes escape (for some reason).
6. Awesomely, the two Egyptian people have a conversation about how they no longer have a purpose in life (I guess they were around to free the Pharoah?), and decide to TRAVEL.

In conclusion, that show is insane, don't watch it.

This is not the post you're looking for

This isn't my post for today, but I have two urgent things to say:

1. I can't believe you brought Gray's Fucking Anatomy onto our precious blog. Gross. Don't I have some kind of blog entry veto power?

2. You know how sometimes I do that hilarious thing you love where I'll explain a joke? Like when someone on TV makes a lame joke, i.e. Grissom, and then I laboriously explain it, making it even worse? But I can't stop laughing, because I think there is nothing funnier than over-explaining a bad joke? And sometimes I can keep a straight face for up to 10 pedantic seconds? Hee, I'm laughing just thinking about it. Well, now there's a website for that, but where lame joke = Marmaduke cartoon. Just trust me. Go there. (via Fresh Arrival)
 

What conditioner does he use?

Somehow, Grey's Anatomy is my most favoritist show on the TV. It's not really the funniest, by a long shot (The Office), or the best-written (Veronica Mars), or the most dramatic (Battlestar Galactica). But in keeping with the ways in which I am a girl, it finds itself at the top of my Season Pass list. The acting is quite good, and there isn't anything really bad about it. And primarily, it provides some kind of catharsis - I just really like all of the characters, even sometimes-whiny, pointy Meredith.

That's not the point. The point is, this season has opened with a Meredith facing a difficult, but HOT choice. Having just hooked up with McDreamy, she has decide whether to date adorable vet Finn, or well-coiffed surgeon McDreamy.  Here's how they stack up:

McDreamy

Pros:   

1. Really, really nice hair.
2. All-around pretty cute, actually.
3. Is quite charming - could, and has in fact charmed the pants of Meredith
4. Smart, presumably, because: surgeon.
5. Seems to quite like Meredith.
6. The HAIR.

Cons:
1. Kind of jerked Meredith AND the likable Addison around.
2. Was pretty icky that time he was staring at Mere while dancing with his wife.
3. Sometimes goes past charming into arrogant.
4. Not really ok to stay with wife you clearly don't like while being in love with someone else.

[HOLY SHIT: I am watching an episode while typing this and a kid just came in with a TREE through his torso. Ok.]

Finn
Pros:   
1. Played by the always suprisingly (because I often forget he exists) adorable Chris O'Donnell.
2. Is a vet, and the kind that really loves animals, but not in a creepy way.
3. Disarming and affable, which is charming in a decidedly not-arrogant way.
4. Seems to be a genuinely nice person, and patient with Meredith.
5. Doesn't buy into Meredith's whole "I'm damaged" shtick.
6. Recently dead wife! Awww.
[7. Just brought Izzy a sandwich.]

Cons:
1. Recently dead wife. Uhhh.
2. Spouts some rather unbelievable, nearly sappy lines.
3. Might be a patient, might be a doormat.
4. Ok hair, but not nearly so nice as McDreamy's.

I know that Finn is probably the right choice, on account of McDreamy's being a bastard re: Addison. But assuming McDreamy learned his lesson and was just in some kind of asshole fugue state due to Addison's cheating on him, he and Meredith seem to have much more chemistry. And the hair is worth at least 10 points.

TV Shows I Want To See

(part one of an infinite series)

What's up, TV executives? Hey, how about making these TV shows?

Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters - come on! This idea is just out there, begging to be made. It has everything - teenagers, mutant powers. Well, that's all, really, but isn't that "everything"? Yes, it is. So make the show.

   In case you need more reasons:

(1) Just think of the young hot cast you can get (cheap!) and then splash all over ads and commercials! Maybe two of them will start dating in real life - free publicity! Woo!

(2) You can cast a big name as Professor Xavier - now, you probably won't get Patrick Stewart, but I bet some other dignified Brit would be willing to whiz around in the wheelchair and provide wise guidance to young mutants. Ooh - or you could go for young Xavier, with added sex appeal!

(3) Ready made story ideas. You'd barely have to hire writers!

(4) Built in audience - not just from the comics, but from the movies too. Cha-ching!

    I do have one word of warning. If you mess this up, I will hunt each of you down and force you to watch Smallville. THE WHOLE SERIES. Let this be a warning and a lesson - if you take something awesome and ruin it like Smallville did, I will be very displeased, and you will have to watch Smallville High football players gain the ability to walk through walls from Kryptonite-infused tattoos. You don't want that.

Same Cast, Different Story - I remember after the first season on 24 no one had any idea how they would continue the show. We scoffed, "What, is Jack Bauer's daughter going to get kidnapped again? Oh, and terrorists happen to be attacking at the same time? Hah ha!" We were naive then, and didn't know that Jack Bauer's daughter could in fact be sort of kidnapped again, and that terrorists have awesome timing. But one of the ideas for the second season was to use the same cast, but tell a different 24 hour story about different characters. And I still love that idea. I stay awake at night wondering what Prison Break is going to do next year (assuming they either make it to Mexico or expose the conspiracy and are somehow not imprisoned for their actual (and numerous!) crimes). The show-runner joked that Michael and Linc would escape another high security prison, which was funny. Seriously, though, what are they going to do?

   Here's my idea: Use the cast, but now they are, say, investment bankers, one of whom is involved in the mob. Awesome! They get to wear suits, and there is suspicion all around, and maybe someone has a gambling problem, etc. The little bonus here is seeing the recasting - suddenly T-Bag is the dedicated family man and boss! Michael is into the mob for $250,000! Tweener the intern! The mayor runs the Abruzzi crime family (shoutout!). You get the fun of whatever the new plot is, plus the added charge of seeing the actors in new roles, with their old roles as sort of running subtext.

Firefly - I have this great idea for a show. It's set in the future, after a civil war has empowered a centralized monolithic government. People live on the fringes, forced to either cede to government control or scrape a living on the edges of society. Maybe a bunch of people commit crimes together to get by. They can all live on a ship, say a Firefly class ship, and come from different backgrounds. Maybe they are led by a damaged, laconic man with a tired thirst for revenge and a fierce loyalty to his ship and her crew. Oh, maybe we could throw in a crazed but lovely young girl (is she a danger? or salvation?). May I also suggest some unrequited love? Oh, and have everyone talk all cool.

Ro's Very Tired DVR

I've been gearing up for the fall TV season for about a month now. Even when I was little, I would wait and wait for the fall preview TV Guide, then plan my new TV schedule. TV Guide always did cool photo shoots of the new shows' casts. I remember several of them vividly - like the picture for The Practice was Dylan McDermott on the court steps, with the rest of the cast in blurry motion around him. And the one for Strange Luck, starring my favorite hockey player turned pairs figure skater, D.B. Sweeney, was of him sort of hanging on a building, holding a camera. The fact that I remember that show at all is scary enough. Seriously, that was 10 years ago. My point here is that I love TV SO MUCH. It was always a toss up whether I was more excited about the new school year or the return of VR-5 (a show I totally watched every week).

I have 15 returning shows this year, not including the shows that don't return until midseason, like 24 and Medium. On top of that I've got my eye on 14 new shows. (Note that none of this includes things like Avatar or The Daily Show - we're talking prime time TV). I realize this is insane, but inevitably things suck or get canceled (rarely both, oddly), and I usually gain 2-3 new shows. Last year was a crappy crop, I picked up only Criminal Minds (eh), Prison Break, and How I Met Your Mother (eh).

Here are a few of my predictions about the new season.

Studio 60 - Everyone loves this show, but I'm not sure I will, mainly because The West Wing didn't really captivate me. I've seen a lot of episodes, and I quite liked it, but I never watched regularly. So I'm not sure about Studio 60. On the other hand, I do like TV, and that's the backdrop here, so maybe. I hope I do like it, because I'm tired of feeling left out being the person who doesn't watch Lost OR Grey's Anatomy.

Ugly Betty - I predict awesomeness. I think it will slowly gain viewers, then I can gloat.

30 Rock - Crash and burn.

Kidnapped - I think this will be my favorite new show - I love the smart-kid-gets-kidnapped premise, and I hear there is a lot of ass-kicking in the premiere. I love ass-kicking. I do worry about a whole season about one event, and seriously, what do they do next year?

Gilmore Girls (returning) - I'm worried. Last season ended strangely and sadly, and now the creator/writers are gone, and I'm worried it's just going to go off the rails.

The O.C. (returning) - I predict it will be canceled pretty quickly. They only ordered 16 episodes, which was already weird. And it's in a really bad timeslot, against the twin juggernauts of CSI and Gray's Anatomy. Yikes, right?

Brothers and Sisters - I am the only person who has heard of this show. Still, I think it might be good. It's got Ron Rifkin, which is never bad. I think it's a pretty generic family drama (by which I mean only that no one gets kidnapped or held hostage or develops powers), making it unusual this year. I'm very mildly enthusiastic. It will, of course, be immediately canceled.

Daybreak - Taye Diggs! Groundhog Day! Yay! This doesn't show up until Lost's hiatus, in mid-November, but I think it could be excellent.

My TV Boyfriend, Finally

My TV boyfriend was, of course, Vaughn, on Alias. Michael Vartan is HOT, people. But then, he, you know, "died." So that kind of ended, since the whole thing about TV boyfriends is that they should actually be on TV.

The crop is pretty thin these days. Old contenders have become annoying (Seth Cohen on "The O.C.," for example, while still pretty, has become annoying and whiny and selfish). And there just isn't much out there. There are many people I love on the TV, but not too many that I lurve. I'll start with the places where my list overlaps with Ro's, then add my unique choices.

1. Jack Bauer (24)
Pros: As Ro said, that VOICE. Oh my god. I just want him to sit there and read aloud to me all the time. He's not a bad-looking man, and he'd be really good at hunting down my enemies.
Cons: Also has a lot of enemies himself.

2. John Dorian (Scrubs)
Pros: So funny! Good at having conversations about nothing, one of my favorite activities. Awesome man-love with heterosexual life partner Turk.
Cons: In addition to the insecurity, weird commitment issues.

3. John Sheppard (Stargate: Atlantis)
Pros: He is pretty! So very, very pretty. Excellent one-liners. Made up that story about clowns that time, and it was really funny.
Cons: Man-whore, as Ro said. Always in imminent danger.

4. Logan Echolls (Veronica Mars)
Pros: Charming in that borders-on-smug kind of way that is just so very hot.
Cons: Not really ok to date high-school boys, probably. I guess. SIGH.

5. Dr. Sheppard, a.k.a. Dr. McDreamy (Grey's Anatomy)
Pros: The hair. Wow. Smart and, you know, dreamy.
Cons: Already has a wife AND a girlfriend. Works a lot.

6. Michael Scofield (Prison Break)
Pros: Smoking hot. I mean, look at that face. Smart enough to plan a prison break.
Cons: Currently actually in prison.

7. Agent Weiss (Alias)
Pros: Hilarious! Good in a tight spot, knows magic tricks.
Cons: Show is going off the air soon, and he's not really on it any more.

These are all good guys, don't get me wrong. I just miss the old days, I suppose.